It's completely impossible to find a girl that won't hurt me. So I'll instead go for the girl who will make the pain worthwhile

Sunday, May 31, 2009

5/31/2009 01:30:00 AM

wasnt blogging yesterday, coz i was at bedok jetty.. well im not gonna say wad happen because i broke one rod, and one reel. nah it's not their fault anyway. caught around 15 palm size fishes. didnt bother to take them home cause they dont look appetising. i'll upload e photos tmr, lazy to do it now. my whole mind is emoing.

now this's gonna be emo, so if u don't wanna read it then stop here.

i went out with james juz now, to deliver a customer's stock. then met jiuyuan to watch terminator. i almost cried two times, not because the movie was touching, but because they mention one thing that i didnt get to have in my whole ENTIRE life of 20 yrs till now.

In the middle part of the movie, this guy was hugging e girl, he mentioned : every human being deserves a 2nd chance. At the end of e movie, he sacrifice his life for another, and he said, every human being deserves a 2nd chance.

But.. i didnt have it. Jesus says, ask and u'll receive. I asked for it, but i didnt have it. why bad stuff always happens to me? there are so many things that i felt life is unfair. but why is it me? do i really have to go through all this? yes it's been 22 days since we broke up, she's moved on, happily with her life. i'm still stuck. i even went to e extent of sharing my feelings to Mr Kit Tan, for advice. he's the highest ranking distributor in my company, the man that makes e most amount of money. i had no choice. i have no direction, i felt that life was totally meaningless without her.

He told me, im like a person now, with my legs tied, hands holding a bowling ball, and i'm submerged under water. i can no longer breathe, and the only way, is to let e ball go, push urself up, take a breath, go down again and untie ur legs, so u'll be free. but i can't like possibly let it go, i want to as well, but my heart doesnt allow e situation to happen. why does my brain keep thinking of her? why does my heart ponder over her so much? wad did she really do that made me love her so much?

i'll change e topic a lil, when i met james juz now, he told me. jiuyuan has still been waiting for a girl, its been close to 3 yrs. and i was like.. ???? he's definitely a good guy, he definitely went through more than me, he has seen her changed 2 bfs, i dont know what kind of impact he felt, but i know it's definitely not something good. i guess, now i know how he feels, that's why sometimes.. he choose to hide at home. im sorry jiuyuan, i didnt understand last time.

james told me more stuff, i was even more heartbroken. she thought that i was asking for her sympathy on e 2nd day we broke up, cause i was at hospital, she thought i was like wanting her to kelian me so that she'll come back to me. wtf? early in e morning, i vomitted blood, i was admitted, forced to take blood test 3 times, with my letter and my medication and i was lying? idk. i was really sick, i was suffering from hyperventilation, and i couldnt breathe properly. hell all this was a lie? check with SGH then. all i wished was her lil care and concern, i laid on e hospital bed, feeling so scared, so painful, and i just wanted her to be there for me, thats all. and i wasnt lying.

i've been emoing on my bed, i keep thinking about her, and this has been leading me to more rediculous stuff. i started looking out of my window, thinking aladin will come. he will definitely, to give me his magic lamp, so that e genie will come out and grant me a wish. i thought of e dragonball show, finding 7 dragonballs, putting them together, so e dragon will come out and grant me a wish. i just needed a wish now..

and if i had one, i'll wish that she'll come back to me. idk how to do it, she doesnt want me to talk to her, idk.. i would like to take e initative but just dont know how.

she's been trying to tell me to move on, time and time. it's not i dont want u know mr blogspot, my heart does not allow this situation to happen. i keep telling myself, ok, i'll get a girl better, and my heart stopped me. my heart's telling me, NO. she's ur girl, never betray her. never look for someone else, and i talked to myself, i tell my heart but she doesnt want me anymore, she told me to move on right? and my heart replied, if i were u, i'll wait.. till e day i die. i was like wtf? and i emoed again. idk what's wrong with me. if time will heal, i will have alrd at least recovered by half, but to be honest mr blogspot, i dont think i am feeling any better since 22 days ago. i'll stop here, idk what to say anymore.

if i had a wish, i'll want her to be back to me again.. to shower unconditioned love towards her.

我已经变了，但却已经来不急了。

taikib0i

Cool, I'm 21yrs old.
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