It's completely impossible to find a girl that won't hurt me. So I'll instead go for the girl who will make the pain worthwhile

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

5/13/2009 12:54:00 PM

hahaha, i juz did e stupidest thing i thought i'll ever do in my life, which is to blog.. well, i've always read people's blog and their feelings, and i think i'll feel MUCH better if i can express my feelings as well ya?

well, i think this is a bad start off, becoz my first post will be a sad one. LOL. i juz got a break up with my girlfriend.. 3 months and 10 days, which adds up to a 110 day relationship juz ended like this.. well, it's my fault. mayb im not good enough? i did cherish what i had? i took things for granted.. perhaps..

I TELL U. the pain killed me almost 3 days.. haha, for my first 3 girlfriends that i had lasted a few yrs of relationship, this is my shortest one, yet the most painful one. those relationship i had which counted a few years, took me an hr to forget about everything, but alamak, this one.. its been 4 days, every moment i keep thinking that's why i think i should blog. lol.

I felt that in this relationship, i really felt love and care. its so much different. the other 3 are juz like making use of me, or want my money. i wouldn't mention her name, but she did her every best to make things right for me, she cooked for me, and its her first time cooking. we breezed together at harbourfront vivocity, looking at the ships and enjoying the wind, we walked home from pasir ris, and many happy moments happened in between, we ate, laughed, hugged, kissed and even wrestle together! everything she could do, she made me felt the most happiest person on earth, i always told myself that work is my first pirority, i must have a career, but after 62 days, my prospect of life changed, she was my everything, even my first priority, i just realised that without her, it'll kill me. and it really did, can u imagine i cried, vomited and suffered for 3 days without food and sleep? sounds a lil exaggerating, (idk hw to spell), but well, its true.. it could maybe be because of e promises she made me, like i'll never leave u no matter what happens, which gave me a sense of security that i could once again do stupid things. HAHA, like quarrels and disturbing her, anyw at that point of time, my mindset was, wadever i do, she wouldnt leave me.. and well, i understand this logic now, promises are meant to be broken. =/ i took things for granted. we had lots of first time together.. and i really appreciate her alot alot..

it happened a night when i was at work at KK hospital, because of the nurses and doctors frantically slamming their patience on me, there was a pregnant woman, giving birth alrd but no potrals. portals are the people who push them into the correct place to give birth, and there was a girl, 17, who came in a police car, i was shocked. i asked ok, so what are u suffering from, the policewoman replied me, rape case. i was super stunt lah, but i acted normal. she was merely drugged and raped by a few guys when they organised a bbq at one guy's place. then i was like.. OMG my gf.. LOL, she's having night cycling and going to a guy's house ltr, of course lah, which ever guy had my kind of experience, would be scared, afraid wad. lol, they cfm call their gfs, if they're in this situation. wad happens if they dont pick up? of course u panic. u kan chiong, u say wrong things, and well, i paniced, i spammed her fake miss calls, many of them, to show i care. i did lots of stupid things that night, all i knew i wanted was to hear that she was safe, then i'll feel alright. i lost my mind, send stupid smses, gave stupid calls. paniced too much and she left me. OMG, which will relate to you in my next paragraph why i hit myself. lol

i slapped myself for e past 3 nights, i hit my head with my hands so hard that my mum asked me in e middle of e night, whats that sound? can u stop it? i need to sleep!! all they care, is about themselves, never about me, even when i was hospitalised.. i agree that i find it too difficult to move on, it mayb because i need someone to love me and care for me, we smsed each other infact everyday, we talked on msn, we had phone calls, we had everything which made me felt so loved and suddenly i lost everything in a night. idk what happened but the her i knew, was no longer there anymore. i broke out into tears..

i tried my best to move on, to forget her after the day we had a heart to heart talk below her block, she told me that she DONT LOVE ME anymore. she told my friend i love jason, its me. but she told me it was because of my attitude and character. idk which is the truth, thats why i've been pondering and irritating her the past few days, i wanted an answer, its not justified for me, i put in so much into the relationship, and if u said u did as well, i trust u. u did put in ur 100% for the past 2mths and 3 weeks, but after that, u didnt anymore because of the small lil quarrels we had, if u really put in so much, is it so hard to just give me a chance? idk. FUCK IT. idk whether its true, but i know its not. she just need her space, her freedom, she's too exhausted from this relationship, and i know my stand. i tried to forget, i went clubbing, dance and drank like nobody's business, vomitted even worse after that due to my critial condition now. =/ i felt its the only way i can forget things, i get soo drunk, so high, and everyday to me was M and M, martell and marlboro. LOL. but it didnt work out, early in the morning when i woke up, its still her in my mind again. wadever i do, and see, its her. even when i accompanied my friend jason, who has the same name as me, to buy a birthday cake, i think of her, her birthday. i looked at water bottles, and i thought she needed one in e past. nothing can shift her off my mind. NOTHING.

and i believe she has the same feelings too, im still in her mind, im a business manager, not trying to boast but i can read humans behaviour, and thinking, thats why im at my position. during lectures and breaks, she's thinking of me. when she studys, before she get into the topic, she thinks of me, before she tell herself STOP IT, MOVE ON!. when she's home, she thinks of me.
( they are just all my assumptions.)

i felt we were like forced to leave each other though both parties are really reluctant, but she seems firm. like always before.. i dont believe others, i only believe in myself, because there can be miracles when we believe.. i loved her too much.. and well, i wont bother her, and i hope she's able to move on smoothly, get on with life.. i sincerely wishes her all e best, and no matter where she is, i hope that one day she's down, she knows LIM LI LONG JASON, is just a phonecall away.

i promised to be there- and i will.
i promised to be the last guy- and i will.
i promised to take care and love u- and i will.

hope she's good, but for me. aww.. operation in 2 days time. 12 hr thrachea operation, there's a hole in there, idk who digged my throat but yeah, it needs to be repaired through oral operation, because there's not enough oxygen going around my body, due to e hole, and e operation will 95% kill me. they're gonna oral me! LOL. (eh, im clean. =x) 15th of may, 8am, 12 hour operation, idk who will wish me luck, who will be with me, but it doesnt matter anymore, im once again, leaving in my own world, alone, lonely, suffering e previous incidents' pain, and i call myself taikibOii.

thanks james and vii for being with me when im down, i love u guys.. =)

last but not least, thanks chris and baby for this clips.

taikib0i