It's completely impossible to find a girl that won't hurt me. So I'll instead go for the girl who will make the pain worthwhile

Thursday, July 9, 2009

7/09/2009 06:34:00 PM

Hmm yes my feelings and EVERYTHING. I don't know how to start actually, too many things going on, on my mind. Maybe let's start off with my career and work.

VE VE VE!! This career path here is giving me too much stress. Alright maybe the leaders will say I'm weak, but you guys just don't understand what I'm going through right now, plus all the politics, I don't even feel a sense of belonging in the team, it's like.. she wants me out. Maybe she's not putting her words into proper use, or maybe she doesn't mean this, but how about my downlines? She basically is spoiling my own rice bowl. Whatever I do and put SO MUCH effort in, she screwed it up in just seconds and minutes. The team doesn't have enough people now, and talking about Business Managers, I'm the only one left standing. I wouldn't say I'm the most important part of the team, or the teams needs me badly. But if there's another person around to help out, won't it be better? Then why give me the FUCK attitude every time when I go down? In the month of January, My turnover helped you qualified for a room in the company, haven't I contributed enough in terms of my position? Yes, in VE, payout is high, I love it a lot. But I don't need cash anymore, I have all the cash I need after Oct 25th. I can claim back my insurance policy that my parents bought for me 20yrs ago. It's basically more than enough for me to survive till I die. And I know in the world, there are definitely a lot of things to do. Doesn't mean VE will be everything in my life.

That's the reason why I'm hanging around doing odd-jobs, and slacking my life away for the time-being. There's basically so many things for me to do, I can help out in my sister's business in the future after my NS, I can do business with my uncle which is left over from my dad to earn a 5 figure income every month. And yes, I'm starting to find alternative solutions. I'll keep VE as my priority till I get something to do. Meanwhile, I'm as free as a slacker. Fancy blogging at this timing. Zz..

2ndly, Maybe about my personal life, which I can say, My love life in fact that's basically hurting me a lot. Because, these are the only two things in my mind for now. Actually, I really don't know what to say. I know you will know how I feel.

Okay, It's been more than 60 days infact, and as a guy, yes, it's my fault cause I didn't take any initiative to like make things better, or win her heart back. In fact, I only make things worse, and I guess it's because I lost my mind at the point of time and I became a bastard. Now that I'm more conscious, I would like to express whatever I've been feeling for the past 2 months. And yes, everyday, every minute, or I should say every second, I'm just thinking of her. I don't know why things just couldn't get better or why I can't accept other girls or maybe I'm born to be like this. Whenever my friends make fun of me, calling me tiong xim kia (faithful guy), I feel even more sad. Because that makes me think of her even much more.

And yes, it's her blog I read everyday only, and there are some points of time when she expresses her feelings there, and she's trying very hard to cope with life, she's very stressed over her studies, and I can do nothing to help. But definitely, I trust her 100% that she'll remain single. I don't know how to touch her heart, I don't know what's in her mind, I'm not any fortune teller or a mind reader. I'm just afraid by making the next step, I'll make things worse again.

Yes, guys are definitely the ones that must take initiative to woo back girls what, I know all girls will expect that. But for the past 2 months, I've did nothing of those, but instead camping at home, waiting for her to be online, to read her blog. I'm really useless. I've did stuff for her in the past few weeks, if she did notice. Well, I wouldn't hide anything anymore, I just want to say everything out. I bought a big vanguard sheet and wrote: Sorry Baby, I love you. and I stood below her window the whole night, holding it high, just hoping maybe she'll pop out and take a look. And wtf, 4 times that I went there, one of the night, it rained damn heavily. Zz. I wrote lots of letters that I wanted to drop into her letterbox, but I'm so afraid that might piss her off again. Everytime that I went there, I just couldn't pick up the courage to drop it in, and I don't know why.

Okay, there are basically 3 things I can do.
1) See things happen.
2) Wait for things to happen.
3) Make things happen.

I want to be the No.3, but I just don't know how. She's busy with her friends and school. I can't date her out, and if i appear below her block, I guess she'll be pissed. I just don't know what to do. I love her so much. And this song below, will definitely 100% represent better what I want to say, and how I'm feeling.

I know she doesn't love me anymore, But I still love her a lot.

Okay, I don't have the lyrics. So damnit. Hope you guys can catch what's Sam Lee is singing.

I think she'll know all this while, I'm definitely a kind of guy that do not know how to sweet talk and I'm not really fantastic with words. But I hope she knows how exactly I'm feeling, missing her, loving her every moment of my life.. I love you baby, I really do. I have quitted vulglarites, I will stop controlling your life, I will stop doing little funny things that will piss you off.

I guess whatever I say, will not make a difference anymore.. Cause we can't brood over spilled milk. But all I can say is, I love her, till now, I love her more than myself, and anyone else, with all my heart.

在大海之中，在广阔的天空，
我找到了你，我爱上了你，
我不知不觉，把全心给你。
你爱上了我，你把全心给我，
你跟了我在一起。
我们很快乐，我们很高心，
我们两人觉得自己最辛福。

三个月后，东西变了，
我们吵架，我们相骂。
你说你不爱我，你要放气，
把一切都忘了，把一切都抛弃。

我好伤心，我好痛苦。
世界变的很黑暗，很孤单。
我好想你，我好爱你。
我忘不了你。
孤单的我，现在，直能摸摸地等着，
等着你的回来。

taikib0i